Adventures in Mothering
Don't Fear Failure -- A Re-Run
Last Updated on Wednesday, 03 February 2010 14:15 Written by Kimberly Wednesday, 03 February 2010 14:05
Note from the Author: I consider this to be one of my most important articles. Too many times, we let fear of failure paralyze us from doing what we know we should do, or what we would like to try to do. I get emails all the time from readers who are paralyzed with fear of failure. This was originally written in reference to learning how to do things around the home, but really it applies to every area of life.
How many never witness because they are afraid they don't know what to say or are afraid of being asked a hard question?
How many never step out in faith in another area of ministry out of fear of failure?
How many never try to learn a new job skill or start an entrepreneurial venture out of fear of the unknown?
If you are living in this kind of fear, then this article is for you. ~Kimberly, June 2009 This article was originally Published June 5, 2005 at Ladies Against Feminism.
Would you like to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but feel that you have too many strikes against you? Maybe you didn't have a mother who taught you how to sew, cook, bake bread, garden, can, and crochet doilies. Well, join the club. I didn't either. However, today, I sew most of my own clothes, I cook, I bake bread, I garden, and I can. I don't crochet doilies, but I have a daughter who taught herself how! Let me let you in on a little secret: most of these things are best learned by doing them!
"I'd be afraid to try that!"
How many times have I heard that from sweet ladies who want to learn various womanly arts, but are too gripped with fear to attempt to begin? My dear sisters, let's not be so overcome by fear that we fall into slothfulness. After all, the just person "falleth seven times, and riseth up again" (Proverbs 24:16). True failure is not in making a mistake but in not getting up again!
A friend of mine called me for the fifth time in one day, asking me a question about bread making. As she attempted to make bread for the first time, she was calling up with all sorts of concerns, worries, and questions. My friend was in a panic over the possibility of making a mistake every step of the way. She wanted to make perfect bread, even though this was her first time ever using her new wheat grinder, and ever making whole-grain bread. Actually, it was her first time ever making bread, period. I talked her through it, then hung up.
One of the greatest reasons many people do not attempt things they want to learn to do is fear of failure. They are afraid the bread won't rise, or the garden will fail, or their sewing project won't look good. They are afraid to open their doors in hospitality for fear of not being good enough, of making some mistake along the way.
Many of us who enjoy this ministry of Ladies Against Feminism and other such websites long to be the Proverbs 31 woman. We want to have the vineyard, and sew, and make fabulous homemade meals. However, few of us will take the next step and begin to attempt these things. We can never learn enough to become expert seamstresses, cooks, hostesses, gardeners, and homemakers by simply reading about it. There comes a point where it is time to put the books and articles down, shut off the computer, and do it.
The Lord teaches us, in His Word, "Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established." (Proverbs 15:22). We are to always be willing to "Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end" (Proverbs 19:20). It is always wise to seek out counsel.
The Bible also warns us that there are those who will fritter away their lives seeking counsel and "learning" but not doing anything with what they have learned. Twice in the book of Proverbs, the Lord tells us, "The slothful man saith, 'There is a lion without, I shall be slain in the streets'" (Proverbs 22:13; 26:13). Being fearful of what might happen, and therefore doing nothing, is not a sign of prudence but of slothfulness, according to the Lord. Even in the parable of the talents, the wicked servant was the one who was fearful and buried his "talent," and only gave it back, safely, to his master (Matthew 25:14-30). People in the last days are described by Paul as "Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth" (2 Timothy 3:7). As would-be virtuous wives, we must take care not to let fear of failure keep us constantly seeking knowledge but never applying it.
After that phone conversation, my husband and I began talking about failure and success and how closely the two are connected. My husband regaled the children with tales full of laughter and of life when we were first married. It was all in fun, of course, as he told the children that my delicious bread used to be like hockey pucks and that my first garden was a real flop. Daddy told the story of his own failures too--the pitiful shelving unit he made that imploded one afternoon, the shed that fell to pieces after we filled it, and even the stories of the early days of parenthood, neither of us knowing the first thing about raising children.
"Children, listen carefully," my husband said. "Your mother and I are the people we are today because we are just adventurous enough not to fear failure. Sometimes we have acted too rashly and have learned from those mistakes, but many times God has let us learn and grow and do all sorts of amazing things just because we are willing to try things after we have learned as much as we could from a book. Books are great, but they can't teach you everything. Some of it you have to learn by trying."
I sat there thinking of many of the things I do regularly now. One of my daughters' friends told her mother that there was nothing I couldn't do (not quite!). In fact, her mother and a few other friends of mine often tease me, "Is there nothing Mrs. Eddy can't do?" Upon reflection, so many of these things were learned through some failure while trying.
Growing up, I lived in constant fear of making a mistake. In my family, you do it right or you don’t do it at all. I think many people were raised with this mentality, whether or not they realize it. After I was saved at the age of 21, the Lord delivered me from fear. My new motto became, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13).
When I decided to start baking bread, my mother (who does not cook) said, "How do you know anything about making bread?"
"I don't. I just have a recipe here, some instructions. I watched someone do it once," I explained.
"What if it doesn't turn out?" she asked.
"Oh Well, then the bread doesn't turn out, and I must try to figure out what went wrong, and try again." God just put it into my heart that the worst that could happen was flat, hard bread. The world would not end.
My husband would share with each of you how many years he patiently endured bread that was not quite what it should be, and now reaps the benefits of bread that is, in his words, "Sheer perfection!" To put it bluntly: I learned to bake bread by baking bread. Ladies, if you want to learn to bake bread, after reading over the basic instructions and understanding the technique, you have to bake bread. As you try and possibly fail a few times, you will eventually get it. Baking bread can't be a purely intellectual exercise!
Please do not misunderstand me. I am not advocating recklessness. The Bible says that we are to make plans using many counselors. To use the bread-baking example, I first read up on making bread. I watched it done. But after a while, there is only so many bread-making instructions you can read before you have to dive in and get your hands in the dough.
When I decided to prune some dwarf fruit trees to espaliers, most people were shocked that I would try such a thing. Espaliers are European-style, trellis-pruned fruit trees, designed to maximize space in small European gardens, though one hardly sees them here in America. I simply went online, read a few websites (mostly in French and German, since the English ones only told you where to buy pre-pruned Espaliers!), and then did it. Each year, as I try to figure out where to prune some more on my three-year-old Espalier apple and pear trees, and as I watch them take shape, I learn more and more about Espaliers. Come on. What's the worst that can happen? My fruit trees will not look as pretty as those in Paris and Vienna?
A new neighbor stopped over, and looking across my 1/4 acre garden, complete with vineyard, orchard, and berry patch, asked me how I knew how to grow those things. She wanted to get started in home fruit production.
"Well," I said, "I dug some holes, added some compost, and stuck them in."
"But, how did you know what to do?"
"I didn't," I answered honestly, "but when something doesn't look so good, I trouble shoot it with my many gardening books, and I learn another thing I didn't know before about my trees, plants, and vines."
Too simplistic? If you wait until you understand all of the gardening science and theory in most garden books, you will likely never dig your first garden bed or plant your first vineyard. Each year I learn a little bit more. Sometimes it is a lesson in what does not work for mulch or what does not work so well as a tomato cage. Sometimes it is a lesson in what does work quite well that I can implement in other parts of my garden.
Each year, things get a little bit better, but I had to start somewhere. I started by digging a hole, adding some compost, and sticking a plant in. I started by reading about how to prune an Espalier, then trying it on some poor tree I bought. I started by mixing together yeast, flour, and water, kneading well, and baking after it rose. You have to start somewhere, and the hardest part is simply starting.
So, would you like to be a Proverbs 31 woman? Start today!
Read Aloud Strategies
Written by Kimberly Wednesday, 03 February 2010 00:36
So, as I've posted quite a bit about reading, there came two questions via email. The first was about readiness (I am preparing a post about that topic...still working on it...busy week), and the second question was this one:
I want to read to my children, as you said. How do you do it? My children won't sit still, become bored, and restless when I try to read anything but the simplest picture books. Help!
Here are some thoughts I have on that topic:
1. Work towards getting your children to be attentive, but don't focus on that so much that you lose the "flow" of what you are reading, or that it becomes something to dread.
What I mean is, if you are reading like this: "Once upon a time -- Johnny, you sit down now! I told you, we're reading a story -- there lived -- I mean it, sit down -- a princess -- Susie, stop poking your brother---" that's not very interesting or fun to listen to. Lay the ground rules at the start (hands to yourself, no making noise, etc.) but for young children that are starting to listen to longer books aloud, don't expect them to sit perfectly still right from the start. Instead, focus on trying to be interesting, and engaging with your reading, and they will pay better attention from then on, because they won't want to miss anything, once they realize how enjoyable it is to be read to.
2. Don't stop until it gets interesting
Most of the time, chapters cut off right at the good parts, to leave you wanting to keep reading. Some older books (such as "The Secret Garden", which we recently re-read) start off a bit slow and even sad. The Secret Garden is a great book, but the first two or three chapters are real downers. Try to read until it gets good, and you find a good place to stop for the day. This way they will be asking for more tomorrow.
3. Don't completely forsake picture books
Picture books are often more interesting to the young ones, than to older children, and listening to you read from novels and other chaper books builds attention spans, but read aloud from picture books is still interesting, and enjoyable for young children. There are some that still bring a smile to my face, especially The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats. Classic. We also have always loved the Madeline books.
4. Find Interesting Books
Not everything that is called a classic is interesting to a 21st century child, or even easily understandable. Be prepared, especially with older books or books written in another culture, to give some explanation while reading. Some are pretty hard to get into, and some will shock your sensibilties with the free flowing racist language that was acceptable in those days (My daughter was shocked reading Elsie Dinsmore, and then there's the liberal use of the "n" word in Mark Twain's books) or other things which were considered normal in days gone by (Sherlock Holmes, in the unabridged books, uses cocaine often; Many classic heroes and heroines own slaves, to name a few). One of the benefits of reading aloud is editing offensive language as you read, or taking time to explain a cultural difference. We had a lot of cultural explanations due when we read Tales from the Arabian Nights, but the stories were very interesting, most are familiar to some degree or another (Aladdin, Sin-bad the Sailor, Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves).
A good children's librarian is worth her weight in gold as far as book recommendations go. We have enjoyed some great books that ours has pointed us to. Get referrals from friends as well. At the bottom of this page, you'll see a wide banner for my Amazon Store. This has some books I love for read aloud time listed in it. It is an affiliate link, so I do get a small kickback if you were to buy something, but, as always, I never recommend something hoping you'll buy it, I recommend something because I love it, and the banner is there to more easily link to the products and maybe send a few pennies my way.
For the record, "Unabridged" means the book is as the author originally wrote it. "Abridged" means it has been shortened, and the reading level may have also been lowered in some cases.
5. Make it an event
The other day, my daughter Ruth was rummaging through our tea cabinet, and noted that we needed more of the Weihnachtsman Tea, which a friend in Germany sends me, and she said, "I always think of The Chronicles of Narnia when I smell this tea, because when we first got this tea, you were reading those books to us, and we'd all have a cup of tea while we listened." Could I tell you what kind of tea we were drinking when we read a certain book? Probably not, but it made a big impression on my daughter!
I'm not sure how it started, but I know it wasn't on purpose. We had a routine that devloped for me reading to the kids. I'm not so together that I'd decide this all out; this just happened. We fell into a routine of making a pot of chai tea or fruit tea, or Weihnachtmann Tea (a fruity-mint tea), or some other kind of tea, and drinking out of the fancy cups while listening to me read. After a few times of doing this, soon the children insisted that we couldn't read until the tea was made, the cups were out, and so forth.
The point isn't really so much about tea, but about a routine, or a tradition, an event, where reading together is seen as something special, a special part of the day.
Something you don't get in a classroom
Written by Kimberly Monday, 01 February 2010 01:07
On Friday, one child snapped this photo of another, which sums up the kind of day our Friday was:
More on Reading
Written by Kimberly Friday, 29 January 2010 13:10
As I've posted much of this week, the theme for the week seems to be phonics. There's so much to say about teaching a child (or adult) to read, that you can't just adequately cover it in one blog post, or even in a few blog posts for that matter. Yet, teaching children to read is the single most important educational accomplishment we can achieve, because it is the key that unlocks learning for all other subjects. In a small way, it is akin to the way in which salvation in Christ alone is the foundation for true godliness; good moral behavior without Christ is inadequate self-righteousness, as true goodness must be inside out...but that's another sermon! Knowing much about a good many topics, and yet being illiterate is an inadequate and limited education!
Yesterday, I posted about some basic phonics exercises we can engage in with our children, as we prepare them for more advanced phonics instruction. As I wrote, not every child is going to have this concept of letters making sounds, which then blend into words, "click" for them when they first start learning phonics, so we need to take our time and really make sure that our children grasp these foundational concepts before moving on.
After learning basic phonics concepts, and the basic sounds each letter makes, and how they blend together, usually I start to introduce words from the Dolch Sight Word List (this website has a printable pdf of the list). I know that sight words have generally gotten a bad rap over the years. The reason being, it's very inefficient to teach reading just by teaching word lists. The student relies on the teacher teaching him or her each new word, which limits the amount someone's reading ability can grow. I like using some common sight words, such as those on the Dolch list, to help give my children's reading a boost at this point.
My personal experience, again both from teaching my own five and also being a literacy tutor, is that, at some point early on, sight words are helpful for those words that are both common and break the normal rules (such as "was" saying /wuz/), and they also enable a child to read more advanced books to alieviate boredom and monotony. "That cat sat" or "Sam ran" are only so exciting for so long. Sight words help introduce more common words that either have more advanced phonics rules or irregularities. I usually introduce a few of the more common ones, and then teach the rest as we come across them in a book.
At this point, I also start to follow a more set curriculum, such as Christian
Liberty Press' Adventures in Phonics or Alpha-Phonics
What are some early reading books we've enjoyed reading together early on?
- Bob Books
(simply awesome)
- Grasshopper on the Road
I'm not sure why all of the kids loved this one so much, but for some reason it was their favorite first chapter book to read.
- Christian Liberty Nature Reader Book 1 (Christian Liberty Nature Readers)
More advanced, but still fairly easy:
- Stories of Great Americans for Little Americans
by Edward Eggelson (great stories, simply told)
- The Robinson Crusoe Reader
(this was my son's favorite)
- The "Let's Read and Find Out" books written for new readers on science topics. We really enjoyed the one on weather.
- If you go to your local Public Library, ask the children's librarian to point you in the direction of the beginning readers, and maybe ask her to refer some good ones to you. Our librarians are indispensable for this!
Happy reading!
Legal disclaimer: The above article contains some affiliate links to Amazon.com for the recommended books. Were you to click on those links and buy, I'd get a small percentage. However, I never, ever recommend something just to get money, but because I believe in a resource. These are all books we've used and still love. For more on my mandatory FTC disclaimer, click here.
One Step at a Time: Article at Boundless.org
Written by Kimberly Thursday, 28 January 2010 22:02
I'm pleased to have a new article over at Boundless.org, called One Step at a Time. Check it out, and let me know what you think!
More Articles...
Page 1 of 7
